Who am I?

 I have struggled with that question for most of my life, yes I knew my name and where I came from but I strugled to find my identity me and what  makes me the person that I am.  As a teenager i went through many stages not knowing where i belonged my attitude changed a couple of times, the way I dressed changed as well the type of people i hanged around with, I would be christian the one month then I would be non- religiouse the other.

As I grew older I got to understand that the reason why it was taking me to long to find who I am was because I wanted the person that I discover to be loved by everyone therefore I was changing who I am in the process of finding me so that people can accept me. I learned that being me is not going to be accepted by many people and that in life you will always get people who don't accept you for who you are no matter what kind of person you became.

But when you get to know who you are it is very rewarding bacause your life changes your interests and everything else just becames clear you get to know where you are going in life. You can never get direction in life if you dont know who you are. So friends if you dont know who you are go out there and search for you.

Friendships

We never really understand the importance of friendship until we in situations were we needs friends around us. I did'nt until my father passed away and the first thing that came to mind was my friends name and I called her at 2 in the morning, I needed a shoulder to cry on an she was that now believe me if she wasn't a real friend she wouldnt have unswered that call and if she did she wouldnt have listened to me cry on the phone for two hours when she had a very important test that morning but she did.

For me I have a lot of friends am very good with people that is in my nature and I find that in  my circle of friends am the one that everybody shares with when they need help or when they just want to talk. We always take our friends for granted we dont share things with them because we are so scared of being judged or talked about yes am not denying the fact that in life that happens and it its very difficult to share with someone something that is very personal to you because we seen people who call themselves friends back stab each other. When you meet a real friend you know because that person will alway be there for you and they will protect you and defend you againsts other people now know that when you get someone like that, its a friend to keep. Fear doesnt do anything accept hold you back in life, you need to take chances in order see whats  out there same with friends you start by sharing something small and see how it goes from there. Good luck!!!! 

men in our lives

In a book written by Steve Harvey called Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man it says that man are designed to be protective that it is in their natural being which makes me wonder what went wrong to those man who dont father their children. A man who is able to leave his pegnant spouse wanting nothing to do with the child, what happened to their protective nature dont they think about who will protect their child in the faces of life.

Our grandfathers took care of their families they never abadoned their children and yes they extra marital activities but their families were always top priority. What kind of man calls himself one if he fathers a child he has never seen.

Now I on the other hand had a great father he was there for me all my life yes we had our fights but I got on with him more than I did with my mother I was what you call a daddys girl. But in my life I have seen children who grow up without fathers an what influence that has on their upbringing especially boys, yes some became better people but some just dont know how tobe man because they never been taught what makes a man. The single mothers try their best to teach their children but I belive that everey child needs a man in their lives thats just it.

marikana memorial service

The momerial service that was held in grahamstown to pray for those people who lost their lives in the marikana massacre last month. People from all walks of life were invited and the were guest speakers.It was a great ceremony that ended with a match to the nearest police station to lit candles and pray.

owning my life

I have decided to take control of my life and make the necessary changes that will benefit me in terms of health. I have also been one of those people that were always looking for quick fixes diets that never work or i would start gym and end up not going and now as am growing older I realize that I might be facing some healt isssues like diabetes and that its up to me to make sure that I live a healthy lifestyle. Temptations have always been too hard me to resist and thats why I always fell back. I am going to start writting about my journey and I am hoping that this time I stay on it NO quick fix for just the good old way with physical fitness.

relationships

i was once again sitting in the corner of my world and i thought of all the relationships that i have lost and the ones i have made and what impact they had in my life. About year ago i lost my father he was my everything my best friend, my father, my pillar of sthrenght and i had always felt the empty space in my heart were he should have been and just a few months ago my sister gave birth to twins beautiful boys and just then i thought to myself is this gods way of filling that empty space because they resemble my dad and they remind me so much of him. I now know that those children were brought into this world for something they have brought my family together. I have lost friends in life we all went separate ways but i have also kept alot of friends in the process but when looking at all those friends that i have lost i wonder if i had not cut them loose would i have turned out like them because most of the have dropped out of school and are drinking and smoking while some of them are teenage mothers. In my life i only keep friends that are positive and strive for a better future. I have one friend she is a teenage mother to 2 children but what i like about her is that even though she made those mistakes in her life she didnt give up she is still going strong and wants a better future for her children. Everytime am about to talk about this girl i just laugh she is a friend i met in primary i was i new in the school and we lived in the same community and traveled in the same bus, my mother, her mother and other people always asked me how do you and her get  along ebcause we were so different she was out there loved the party life and boys were else i was more indoors but we got along so much you know she had her friends but i was that friend that she could come to with problems and tell me how she felt and what was going on in her life. Her mother loved the fact that i was friends with her beacouse in her mind i think she thought i could change her and make her become like me but we enjoyed our differences and they complimented our relationship she is still the same old and am also still the same but now since i have growned i wish i had been able to change her because now she has dropped out of school and is staying with a boyfriend i miss her though but she is hard to keep intouch with she changes her numbers all the time. In my journey i have met alot of wonderful people and i have kept alot of great friends in the process i have now what i call best friends they have been with me through the hardest times of my life and i can say i am truly blessed to have them

homosexuals

I hate the negativity that people have against homosexuals yesterday i was having a chat with my usuals guy friends and we talking about gay people and the things they said actually shocked me. I strongly believe that gay people are born that way and that they didnt choose to be gay, yes long ago society viewed people who were gay as posessed by the devil because they had no infornation about it and most people were  ashamed of coming out. one of the guys said to me that gay people are the first people that going to be burned when its time for judgement day, what made me laugh is the fact that when i asked him he said that its in the bible i have been reading the bible and i havent seen that. Just because you were born straight and u attracted to the opposite sex does not mean you have not sinned. What gives us straight people to judge those people and decide their fate who are we to punish those people and if we read the bible so much did we miss that part that says when one does bad to you leave them up to god to punish. Whn are we going to change our mindsets, what will it take for us to accept these people into society. I love my gay and lesbian friends and am proud of being part of such people because they are such beautiful people with beautiful hearts i8f one just gets to know them better.

forgive and forget

This morning i was just thinking is the such thing as "forgive and forget". I remember thats what Nelson Mandela said at the end of apartheid , its easy for me to do that because i did not experiance it how about those people who were  there the ones that lost their lives in the hands of the white men, the ones who spent most their lives in jail fighting for their freedom, the ones who lost family members how do they forget those memories those years of their lives wasted the missing presence of their loved ones. The is only one answer for me to that they cannot forget but they can forgive because those are not memories one can easily forget. I am not aginst the white man i believe that South Africa is moving forward and the are less and less white people who still think that way but now i fear that the is reverse apartheid were black people are teaching their children to hate the white men where our leaders are promoting it with the likes of people like Malema in parliament and i just wonder what that will do for our country. I personaly believe that most of the people that put our people through that pain most of them have died and died with their since and the only person we should let punish them is God.

women cries

Last weekend i was having a talk with one of my close cousins and i was talking to her about her relationship with her boyfrieind, i just wanted to get to understand why a women would stay in a relationship for years while she is being physically and mentally abused and she told me its becouse of love and that she believes that her partner was doing that because he loved her and he was looking out for her. She has been in this kind of relationship for almost five years now. I got so upset that the are women who think they deserve what these man do to them and mostly blame themselves for it. What kind of love is that that makes you cry and makes you loose your self esteem, i dont understand how a person who claims to love you can say such horrible things to you. how do we change the mindset of those women how do we get them out of those relationships because some of them have never been in relationships were they are not beaten and sweared at. I have had this experiance with my causin who comes crying to me and then when the pain from all those beatings has healed she goes back to him and claim that he says it was a mistake he didnt mean it he is so sorry, i mean how many times does he have to beat her until it stops being a mistake until he is not sorry anymore. HOW DO WE HELP THOSE WOMEN

http://www.news24.com/SouthAfrica/Politics/I-would-die-defending-whites-Malema-20120324

death of a loved one

My father passed away in 2010 and its been almost two years now but i still have difficulty letting him go. Just two weeks ago a friend of lost her bf and then just three days ago  my ex classsmate died in a car accident. Death is something that happens everyday but we still find difficulty to deal with. Loosing someone you love is not  easy and if you are a christian you might even doubt your faith in god becouse like myself i had the question if god loves me so and i obey him why does he put me in so much pain why does he take away tthe people that mean alot to us and then you have the question why me. If its not you who deserve to feel the pain nobody does but its part of life and the is nothing we can do about. God will take away someone and will bring you something greater and am still waiting for mine. To those who have lost people they love let them go but never let go of the memories you had with them becouse those are thing you will remember them by.

let down

I was watchimg the news this morning and one of the townships in langa in the western cape had burnt down last night. That township is one of the townships that burn every single year in cape town and still those people are still living in shacks which make me wonder what are we really voting for. It has been 18 years since the new govenrment has been in power and yes they have made changes but are those enough i dnt think so if the are still people withouth basic housing, water supply, electricity and just this morning the where children matching for better educattion and better schools. When we get people in government that are still building houses worth millions and yet most of the people in our country are still living in poverty. the is a huge difference in our country between the rich and the poor and everyday it is expanding.

my strugles with obesity

all my life i have had problems with my weight and it was not nice growing up being labelled as the fat girl when people talk about me. Today i sow a girl she is in high school she reminded me of myself she looked so miserable and right there i could feel her pain. I have not lost weight and honestly i have given up on loosing weight and i dont know whether it is because of the fear i have of what i would look like thin would i look better or worse. I wish that i had spent my childhood life bettter than i did but i didnt because all the children that were my age looked so small and i looked so old cause i was fat and tall. I am now 20 years old and yes i still have those insecurities but now that i am grown i have learned a lot about me as person and that what i look like on the outside doesnt define me. We live in a world where your beauty as a human being is defined by the clothes u wear the struture of your body and i know that people my size are labelled ugly. I feel for the children that are still growing up and are experiencing these weight issues becouse they have no one to tell them you look beautiful just the way you are." I am not changing who i am for anyone and if you cant accept me just the way i am then walk away because am a beautiful person." That is a positive thinking we should teach the young ones and what defines beauty.

hey there

listening to adels "turning tables" what a greate song it is exactly how am feeling right now. its almost vilentines day people show some love.